Nobel Committee Asks Obama “Nicely” To Return Peace Prize

Thorbjorn Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, said today that President Obama “really ought to consider” returning his Nobel Peace Prize Medal immediately, including the “really nice” case it came in. Jagland, flanked by the other four members of the Committee, said they’d never before asked for the return of a Peace Prize, “even from a damnable war-criminal like Kissinger,” but that the 10% drawdown in US troops in Afghanistan the President announced last week capped a period of “non-Peace-Prize-winner-type behavior” in 2011. “Guantanamo’s still open. There's bombing Libya. There's blowing bin Laden away rather than putting him on trial. Now a few US troops go home, but the US will be occupying Afghanistan until 2014 and beyond. Don’t even get me started on Yemen!” The Committee awarded Obama the coveted prize in 2009 after he made a series of speeches in the first months of his presidency, which convinced the Peace Prize Committee that he was: “creating a new climate of...multilateral diplomacy...an emphasis on the role of the United Nations...of dialogue and negotiations as instruments for resolving international conflicts...and a vision of world free of nuclear arms.” “Boy oh boy!” added Jagland. “Did we regret that press release!”

But, he revealed the committee members were all “legless drunk” the day they voted, as it was the start of Norway’s annual aquavit-tasting festival. The “totally toasted” members listened over and over to replays of Obama’s Cairo speech, tearing up and drinking shots to the glorious future: a black man leading America and the world into a new era of peace, hope and goodwill. “For a few hours we were all 18 year-old students again at the beautiful, occasionally sunny University of Bergen! Oh, how we cried for joy!” The chairman said the committee weren’t “going to be pills” about getting the Prize back because they still “basically really liked” Mr. Obama and that sending it back in a plain package by regular mail would fine if it would save him the embarrassment of a public return. But added Jagland, “things could get nasty” if the committee didn’t see it by the time they announce the new Peace Prize winner in the fall. He and the committee then excused themselves to resume their celebration of Norway’s annual aquavit-tasting festival. The White House had no comment. It later announced an aggressive new covert CIA initiative to identify and apprehend Al Qaeda operatives in Scandinavia.

Why Email Scammers Say They're From Nigeria

You've seen the email. A terminally ill Nigerian prince or director of a massive corporation contacts you urgently asking you to move a large sum of money, promising you can keep a share. All you need to do is provide your credit card number and banking PIN. It looks like a scam, sounds like a scam -- it is a scam. But who on earth actually believes these things? If you've ever wondered why these scams are so blatant, here’s why. If you, like thousands of others, were just too smart for your attacker and saw through the tricky plot - it simply means that you were never the target anyway. A recent study found that email scammers really aren't interested in appearing believable because it would just be too expensive if everyone fell for it. The research conducted by Microsoft’s Machine Learning Department, titled "Why do Nigerian scammers say they are from Nigeria?" found that the OTT scam email, complete with typos is a simple, cost effective way of weeding out intelligent people, leaving only the most gullible to hit.

"Far-fetched tales of West African riches strike as comical," wrote principal researcher, Cormac Herley in the study. "Our analysis suggests that is an advantage to the attacker, not a disadvantage.” “Since his attack has a low density of victims, the Nigerian scammer has an over-riding need to reduce the false positives. By sending an email that repels all but the most gullible, the scammer gets the most promising marks to self-select, and tilts the true to false positive ration in his favor.” It seems to work. Just last year a Nigerian man was jailed for 12 years after scamming US$1.3 million. In 2008 an Oregon woman lost $400k to a similar scam. So next time you open a scam email and think to yourself: "Why bother?" live happy in the knowledge you're not the target market.

Alex Jones Believes Bilderberg Attendees Ship In Gold-Covered Roasted Babies To Eat

Last month, police in Thailand arrested a British citizen after six roasted fetal corpses were found in his luggage. The bodies were believed to be between two and seven months old, according to the Guardian. Some were plated in gold leaf, apparently for use in black magic rituals.

Outside the annual Bilderberg meeting in Virginia on Thursday, Alex Jones of Infowars accused attendees of possessing the same thing — to eat. Video posted online captured Jones shouting into a bullhorn outside the meeting place, claiming Bilderberg members “ship in roasted babies wrapped in gold foil for them to eat” — and making it clear he wasn’t kidding. “Every week they catch them shipping little babies wrapped in gold foil for these guys to eat. They admit that’s where it goes to, I’m not making this up,” Jones said.

“Alright this is just a person going to pick somebody up, they’re probably bringing him some child to rape or something in the trunk — no I’m not kidding, these people are sick. “Every week they catch them shipping little babies wrapped in gold foil for these guys to eat. They admit that’s where it goes to, I’m not making this up. “You think I’m talking about babies wrapped in gold foil for them to eat — I’m not, I’m not joking about that. “This officer’s laughing at me — $10,000 they try to ship in roasted babies wrapped in gold foil for them to eat, $10,000 right now. You will lose, you will lose the bet!” The private, three-day meeting is taking place in Chantilly, Va., 25 miles outside the nation’s capital. It has brought together protesters and conspiracy theorists convinced the secretive group runs the world. Officially, Bilderberg is a forum for a “broad cross-section of leading citizens“ to discuss ”topics of current concern especially in the fields of foreign affairs and the international economy.” The meeting concludes June 3.